APOLOGY:

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel
like the   worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly
truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the
whole entire world, you   were honestly the last person that I would ever
want to wrong in any way.  There is no excuse at all for anything that
happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much
to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being p1ssed at   me,
I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words   that were
exchanged between us, what I  can't handle is thinking   that you see me as
a different person.

It is weird, The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if
you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond
crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am
hoping that you didn't. I   know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am
also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it  sounds
totally crazy and  stupid, I can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my
behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct.  I hate feeling
like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a
terrible person, because I am not.

I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so
sorry.

Elizabeth

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L' for
'Long-winded-diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about'.
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to
carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is 'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes
while I sit at   the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate
too much bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds
for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span,
or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't F**k him'
somehow gave you a clean slate.
 
So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked funny' to
you yesterday.Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most
unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24
hours straight.

The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible
person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling
blond who commands about as much respect as your average child-porn
collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spinclass you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a littlelike watching
sea lions mate.

Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

Talk to you never,

Brad

This has had me laughing all day, just thought I'd share!